For Husbands, Take 4

Dear Loving Husbands,

I have been thinking that you may need some advice on how to occasionally get away with doing something very, very dumb. It is hard to be perfect, and I am aware that sometimes you may take a mis-step. And...you will need to know how to break it to your oh-so-loving wife in a way that keeps you out of the dog house.

Here is a hypothetical situation that you may put yourself in, and some advice on how to get out of it.

*****DISCLAIMER - All of the persons, places, and events in this are completely fictional. Any resemblance to actual persons, places or events is coincidental. *******

Let's say a guy named 'Heath' and his friend 'Pat' have a guys night out. They are actually going to be in another city, staying at a hotel.

So...Heath and Pat decide to go bar-hopping...no foul. Totally normal and expected.

Now...pay attention...if Heath and Pat somehow end up at a strip club, they are going to have to follow these simple instructions to keep themselves alive and well.

STEP 1: You must have a legitimate reason for going to a strip club. I think it is understood that, of course, seeing half-naked women is not a good enough reason. Also, that whole thing where guys act like they don't even notice the boobs is ridiculous.

An example of a legitimate reason would be: If Heath and Pat met a group of people visiting from out-of-state and discovered that one of these 50-something year-old men had NEVER been to a strip club in his life. I mean, how awful, right?! So it would only be good manners for Heath and Pat to take this man to his first strip club. Hence....legitimate reason!

STEP 2: Leave your cell phone at the hotel. This way, when your wife tries to call you to see if you are having fun with your buddy, she will not have to listen to stripper noise. You know...loud music, giggling women, drunk men. It is much better to leave her guessing. She will be so worried about you that a strip club will be a relief.

STEP 3: Make sure you get really, really drunk. So drunk that maybe you get sick. Maybe. Your wife will have no choice but to feel a little bit sorry for you.

STEP 4: It's all in the delivery boys! Naturally, you aren't going to call ahead of time and ask if it's OK to go to a strip club. That would just be silly. So...the admission of such a visit must be done with tact.

Do not act as if you are confessing something. This will only make your wife paranoid that you actually had fun at the club. So, get rid of the serious face.

It is much better if you do something like this: When you and your wife are enjoying a nice, family moment (like playing ball with your son), start laughing oh-so-softly to yourself....as if you are recalling a funny joke you heard. Of course, your wife will ask what is so funny. Then, just as if it is no big deal at all, say (very quickly)..."ohIwasjustthinkinghowfunnyitwasthat actually...ohyoujustwon'tbelieve...Ican'tlietoyou....youaregonnalaugh...meandPatwenttoastrip clublastnight."

There. Done. You have just made her believe that it actually wasn't a big deal at all. You were just helping your fellow man. You weren't there for yourself. It wasn't even fun. You didn't talk to the "girls" at all.

LASTLY: Give your wife and hug and a kiss before she can respond and say, "I knew you would understand. I love you."