When I was growing up my mom always wrote a letter to be included with the Christmas cards she sent out. You know...the letter that gives everyone the update on what each member of the family is doing?
Well, the problem was (as I saw it then and still today) that the letter was complete and total baloney. I used to read it aloud and then just laugh my ars off at all of the lies and misrepresentations. You would have thought we were the happy, loving, totally functional family that we were NOT!
Honestly, I think most letters tend to paint the family in question as perfect, but I also "get" the fact that it would be a little inappropriate to air your dirty laundry in a form letter that you are sending to every Tom, Dick and Harry on your Christmas list. I mean, do you really want your childhood best friend with whom you rarely speak to know that your life is totally f-ed up?
Anyway, there was one year that I really gave my mom heck for sending out a letter at all. I wanted to rewrite it with the truth and slip it in the cards while she wasn't looking.
Her version basically went on and on about her job and how important it was, and then talked about my step dad and all the vitally important work he was doing and how they were enjoying sailing in their free time, yada yada. Then it raved about my older brother, Karl, and the fact that he was doing sooooo well at the Ivy League college he attended. It mentioned that I was a senior in high school and still undecided about which college I would be attending. Then it said that my younger brother, Kurt, was a sophomore in high school and that he really enjoyed going to concerts.
Well....my version would have been something like this:
Dear Friends and Family,
Wow! What a totally f-ed up year 1989 has turned out to be for us! It's hard to believe there could be a more dysfunctional a family out there!
We are on the brink of divorce...it's completely inevitable, but neither one of us has the hootspa to pull the trigger and get it over with. Instead we just scream at each other every night until we are so exhausted we just go to sleep and agree to pick up where we left off in the morning.
Karl is doing exceedingly well at his prestigious Ivy League college. We especially like being able to brag about him to our friends whose children go to State. It makes us feel really really important. We are hoping that some day he will make a ton of money and support us.
Kerry...well, what to say about her?! Right now, her hair is purple and shaved on one side. She wears combat boots every day and a leather jacket with spikes on it. She smokes enormous amounts of pot and likes to stay out all night. Her walls are covered with posters of some group called The Cure. Even though she is smart enough to do just about anything, she refuses to talk about college and has not filled out one application. This embarrasses us to no end. What will we tell our neighbors?
Kurt finally had enough of our drama, dropped out of high school and left home. He is currently on tour with the Grateful Dead. He is in contact with no one except Kerry. Last she heard from him, he was selling grilled cheese sandwiches outside the Dead shows and dropping acid daily. So we're assuming this means he won't be going to college, either.
Have a Merry Christmas!
OK, I need to pause for a minute to stop laughing! I wish I would have done it...can you imagine?!
Needless to say, I did end up going to college. My hair is no longer shaved or purple. I pay taxes and don't break the law (often). I haven't smoked pot in about 16 years (makes me too sleepy), and I rarely stay up past 10. However, I still love The Cure and most of my clothes are black or dark gray.
Kurt finally went back to high school after Jerry Garcia died (which was the most traumatizing event!). He stopped doing acid shortly thereafter (I think). He never did go to college, but he works an honest job and is a married, law-abiding citizen. He still listens to the Dead and can tell you every song they played at every show he went to.
Karl went on to make oodles of money. However, he is also very cheap and doesn't share it with anybody!
Anyway...I almost wrote a letter with this year's card. It would have gone a little something like this:
Dear Friends and Family,
It's hard to believe 2009 is coming to an end! Where did it go?
I am still busy being a mom. I don't have nearly enough energy to keep up with Kaleb, and I usually feel totally inadequate and ill-prepared! I still volunteer with both elementary and junior-high students at our church. I get way more out of it than the kids do, and I always chuckle a little when I realize that heading out to church is one of my favorite things in the world...I never would have guessed that 20 years ago!
Keith works ridiculously hard to support us. Business has been very slow and the stress of being self-employed sometimes gets the better of him, but he is really good about planning fun things for us to do as a family.
We had a marriage-changing experience when we did the 40-day Love Dare...it really opened our eyes to the gift that God has given us in each other. It reminded us just how important our marriage is and that we have to keep feeding it to keep it alive. I am so thankful to our church for introducing us to the book. It came at the perfect time, as we had really gotten in a rut. I feel blessed to have been married (mostly happily) for the past 7 1/2 years.
Kyle continues to just be awesome. He finished the first half of his sophomore year at Cal State Chico. His grades were decent, too. I'm pretty sure he did his share of beer-pong, and I hope he had fun doing it. He has made the decision to leave college and enlist in the United States Army. He wants to be an Airborne medic (just like Keith was). We are so very proud of him. We have always been very supportive of our troops, and so now more than ever we will continue to be! However, we are also nervous because of the very real possibility that he will end up in Afghanistan. I get upset every time I think about it. However, he is an adult, and so we will have to let him go and trust in the Lord to protect him.
Kaleb is 3 1/2 and growing bigger every day. He goes to preschool 3 days a week and loves it! He has made lots of friends. I love when I drop him off and the other kids say "Kaleb is here! Kaleb is here!" He is a bundle of energy and brings me to the point of exhaustion every day! But don't get me wrong - I love it! Life is so fun when he's around! He is funny and smart and full of love and I learn so much from him. He still sleeps in our bed most nights, but someday he won't and I know I will miss it.
I hope this letter finds you and yours happy and healthy. I pray blessings for your family.
Love,
Kerry
The best part about this letter is that it's all true and not exaggerated (of course I left out a few gory details, but dang...that's none of your business)! I am so happy with my boring, imperfect life!
This weekend Keith and I rented a Harley and headed out to Palm Springs for a Social Distortion concert. It was so nice to have a whole night to ourselves.
I have been meaning to keep a list of the funny things that come out of Kaleb's mouth. I have no idea where he learns these expressions, but lately he is full of them. We call them "Kalebisms." Here are just a few:
If your shorts are so short that you need a bikini wax before you can safely wear them, they might just be too short.
